Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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