someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
