So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
