I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We need to get me chipped asap
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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