Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
