so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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