the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Welp...herpes.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
