Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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