On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My sheets look like a crime scene.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
