I just saw a hot homeless man
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
