One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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