The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
