We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
