clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
