I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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