The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ugly people sure do ruin things
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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