Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
