woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
