There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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