I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
