if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize