Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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