Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
