my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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