i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize