he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
