96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
