You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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