Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is the high leading the old right now
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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