That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
