I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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