from now on my penis is your penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
