onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
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