someone threw a dead crab at me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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