and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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