I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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