Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
