i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
