come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All the doctor said was why
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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