Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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