I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
