So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
