First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
