I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
