just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
