i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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