THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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