Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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