that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
foreskin is a definite game changer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
