Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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