I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
