Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
