I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
