My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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