I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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