Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
